Kingdom Hearts vs Smartphones
by yamarik
Summary: Everyone knows a little product placement can go a long way towards marketing a product. As such, a certain tech company decided to advertise their new smartphones via the Kingdom Hearts games. The results may not have been quite what they hoped for though.


Terra

He did it. He won. He is now the Champion, the winner of the games. But his opponent attacks again, and he realizes the kid he's fighting is now being controlled by darkness. He knew that Hades guy was trouble.

Terra blocks the first couple of attacks, and is about to strike back when he hears a bell. He looks around, confused, and the bell sounds again and he realizes the bell is in his pocket. Right, he has a phone now.

He considers ignoring the phone, since it's hard to use, but it could be from Aqua, apologizing for being so rude, or from the master, saying he'd reconsidered the exam results, or from Ven saying he needed help. He'd better check it.

Terra pulls out the phone one-handed, and when it proves to be upside down he awkwardly shifts it in his hand, blocking attacks the whole time. He finally gets the thing right-side up, but then he has to type in a password, and his thumb hits the wrong part of the screen and he has to do it over.

When he finally unlocks the screen, he finds a text from Ventus, telling him that Ventus believes in him. He's touched, and wants to reply. Terra taps an icon, but instead of opening the thing that allows him to send texts it opens something else.

"Oh. Crap," Terra says. He blocks another hit.

"Sorry, could you just give me a moment?" he asks his foe, forgetting that the mysterious warrior is being controlled by the darkness.

From the sidelines, Hades's hair flares up. "Oh for crying out loud!" he exclaims angrily.

"No, not that one," the warrior says as Terra taps another icon.

"Oh, do you know how to use this thing?" Terra asks.

"I could… show you… but I'm not…" the warrior says.

"Oh right. The darkness. Alright, let me just-"

Terra tries to tap one thing, but ends up tapping another, and his phone begins emitting a weird noise and a triangle with an exclamation point in it begins flashing on his screen.

"Oops. It's not supposed to do that, is it?" Terra asks.

"No," the warrior tells him.

"Where's a plan gamma when you need one? This is a complete waste of time," Hades mutters. "I give up. But I'll be back, and you can bet I'll find someone else to help me defeat Zeus before long!"

Hades vanishes, and the warrior sinks to his knees. He stumbles upright and snatches the phone from Terra, and peers at it intently.

"I think you're supposed to…" he begins, moving his finger towards the screen.

"No, no. I tried that last time this happened, and it didn't work," Terra tells him.

"Well what if we…"

"Are you sure? Wouldn't that…"

"But I think we need to do that so that it can…"

"Oh, I see! Thanks!"

"No problem."

The warrior hands the phone back to Terra, who taps it once and the phone dies.

"Or not," the warrior says. "Sorry, I really thought that would work."

"Me too. Oh well. Thanks for the help, uh…"

"Zack."

"Thanks for the help, Zack. I'm Terra."

"Nice to meet you Terra. Say, when you get your phone fixed, you should call me sometime so we can hang out."

"Sounds good."

They say their goodbyes and walk away. But Terra has already proven that not all people can learn to use a smartphone.

Ventus and Aqua

"Hey Aqua, do you know how to block a number so it can't call or text your phone?" Ventus asks.

"Yeah, I read that in the manual just the other day," Aqua says brightly. "Though may I ask why?"

"Well, uh…" Ventus blushes. "Someone keeps sending me spam texts and making prank calls. I think it's the boy in the mask, Vanitas, but I'm not really sure, but it doesn't really matter, because either way, I want to block him. Rather, I NEED to block him."

"Spam texts and prank calls certainly would be annoying."

"Well some of them aren't so bad, like when he tells me lame jokes, but some of it's kinda creepy. Like when he makes vague threats, or talks about being together soon, or- or-" Ventus looks down, his entire face crimson, before continuing quietly "or asks me for nudes."

"Ventus!" Aqua gasps, shocked.

"I don't send him any!" Ventus yelps back.

"Well, I can, er, see why you wouldn't want to, um, encourage… such behavior," Aqua stammers, almost as red as Ventus. "But just in case, we should probably tell-"

"Don't tell Terra!" Ventus interrupts, looking somewhat panicked.

"I was going to say the master, but sure, I won't tell Terra."

"So about blocking that number?" Ventus asks.

"Let me see your phone," Aqua says.

Ventus hands over his phone, and it's hardly been in Aqua's hands for a second when there's a dinging sound and the screen lights up.

"'Can't wait to hit the beach together. Should be fun'," Aqua reads.

"As if I would go to the beach with him," Ventus mutters.

The phone dings again.

"'Why can't you tell when a pterodactyl is using the bathroom?'" Aqua reads. "What's a pterodactyl? Is that something they have in another world?"

"Why would I want to know if a whatchamathingy is using the bathroom?" Ventus asks. "You know what, nevermind. Just ignore it."

"But I'm curious!" Aqua insists, and then the phone dings again and she reads. "'Because the "p" is silent.' Does that mean it's not pronounced puhterodactile then?"

"I guess not."

"Ohhh, I get it. 'P', pee?" Aqua laughs. "That's so silly."

"I don't think it's that funny, and besides, if you don't block that number soon, the harassment will start so just block it please."

"Alright, alright. There. Done."

"Whew. Thanks. You're a lifesaver. And remember, don't tell Terra."

"Got it."

What Ventus didn't know was that Vanitas had stolen Master Eraqus's phone back when he and Master Xehanort had come for the mark of mastery exam, and had been using that phone thus far. He still could use Master Xehanort's phone, and his own phone as well, and there were other apps like breezetalk and heartmoment and hearttome and basically Vanitas had plenty of ways to bug the other half of his heart.

Donald and Goofy

Donald Duck gulps. Queen Minnie heard him telling Goofy about the king's disappearance. How can he turn this situation around without looking like a complete incompetent?

An idea occurs to Donald. He pulls out his cell phone and finds the king in his contacts. He sends the call, and waits as the phone starts ringing. And ringing, and ringing.

Donald is just about to give up on the call when he hears it: the sound of King Mickey's ringtone. Sure enough, along comes one of the magic broom servants, bearing Mickey's phone.

"Oh dear. It looks like Mickey has forgotten to take his phone with him again," Minnie says.

"He doesn't always forget it," Daisy says. "Why, remember how just the other day you couldn't get ahold of him, and you kept calling and calling and he'd just silenced it to take a nap and forgotten to turn the volume back on?"

"Yeah! Or when he turned it off because he was going to visit Master Yen Sid and didn't want to increase the bill with roaming charges," Donald adds.

"Or what about that time when he forgot to plug it in and charge it up again and so the battering died?" Goofy says

"Battery!" Donald corrects.

"Well, it really is problematic that he's like this," Minnie sighs. "I mean, how am I supposed to ask him if he'll be home for dinner if he doesn't take his cell phone? It's very inconvenient for the brooms if they don't know how many people to cook for!"

"We'll go find him!" Donald offers.

"Uh, but Donald, this here note says we oughter be going to see a guy named Leon and talk to him about finding a key," Goofy replies, holding up the King's note that Donald had brought with him.

Donald quacks something rude that makes Daisy give him a death glare.

"Mickey can take care of himself. You go find that key," Minnie orders.

In years to come, Mickey will still keep forgetting his phone, even though he uses it for GPS as well as for calls. No wonder he keeps getting lost.

Axel

Axel is humming as he returns from his mission. He has himself a new profile picture, and he knows that Roxas will "approve" this one on social media for sure. It's completely different from all the others he's taken thus far: he winked with his left eye this time. He's still humming as he passes through the Brink of Despair. And then he gets to the castle, and there in Naught's Calling everyone is waiting.

"What's this? A welcoming party just for me? Aw, you really shouldn't have. Let me take a quick selfie for evidence."

"Axel, those selfies are exactly what we need to talk about," Roxas says, defying protocol and speaking for the group. His face is unreadable. Axel has no way of knowing that Roxas is thinking about their mission the other day, how Roxas had done all the fighting while Axel snapped selfies, and then had stopped him from finishing off one particularly difficult heartless by snagging Roxas's neck just before he struck the final blow so they could have a picture together.

"What? Jealous of my fabulousness?" Axel teases. He's sweating a bit though. Somehow, in front of the others, the friendship he and Roxas and Xion all share feels a bit illicit.

"No, irritated by how irresponsible you've been ever since you've gotten that phone," Saix growls. He's thinking of the time he had to repeat an entire mission briefing to Axel because Axel had been too busy looking at different filters and hadn't bothered listening to him.

"Aw, c'mon, it's not that bad."

"It is," Xaldin says. He shudders as he remembers the time Axel tried to take a selfie surrounded by flames. It might not have been a problem, except that he chose to do so right in the middle of the Proof of Existence. Not cool.

"It's not like I'm hurting anyone," Axel argues.

"For someone who wants us all to get it memorized, you've sure got some big memory gaps there," Marluxia comments calmly. But inside he is seething as he recalls the moment where Axel knocked him off the balcony in the Hall of Empty Melodies, causing him to break an arm, all because he was trying to find his best angle.

"I'm sorry, are all those flowers giving you hay fever and making you sneeze? Do you need a tissue?" Axel asks him.

"Look, Axel, we all just really think-" Xion begins, then pauses as she tries to find a polite way to phrase what she's thinking. She's actually rather angry at Axel, because yesterday when they were having ice cream it took so long for Axel to take a selfie of all three of them where none of them was blinking or making faces or at a bad angle that by the time he had one that was satisfactory, her ice cream had melted.

"That he's a menace?" Larxene suggests, thinking of the time Axel was so engrossed in his social media feed that he wasn't paying attention and walked in on her in the shower.

"That he's a nuisance?" Luxord offers, scowling because Axel posted a picture of the two of them with a filter on that covered Luxord's trademark beard.

"That he's got to be stopped?" Vexen insists, still irate over the way Axel threatened to ruin his research data unless he liked a certain profile picture. It had been especially wearisome, as Vexen had had to create a profile of his own just for the occasion.

Zexion nods along to all of the above, unhappy because Axel had insisted on taking selfies with all of them, and when Zexion had refused to "smile for the camera", Axel had tickled him mercilessly for over an hour to try and force him to.

"I was always all that stuff though," Axel points out.

"Yes, but I think we all liked us better when you were all that stuff without posting pictures of us that make us look fat!" Lexaeus snaps. More than a few people turn to stare at him, and he blushes.

"Hey, I posted that one by mistake. And I deleted it, didn't I?"

"Not before the dusks saw it," Lexaeus grumbles.

"I saw it too," Demyx says under his breath. But he too is miffed. Axel shared a post from Larxene complaining about how lazy Demyx is, and believe it or not, but Demyx's feelings do get hurt.

"And you still haven't tagged me in that picture you took of me shooting up those invisibles," Xigbar complains.

"Anyway, you need to hand in your cell phone. Now," Xemnas demands. Axel realizes that maybe Xemnas is still mad about him rejecting that friend request. It really was an accident though. Honest!

"I-I just wanted to prove to everyone we exist," Axel says quietly. Everyone shifts uncomfortably. They never thought Axel was such a kind, caring Nobody.

"Fine. You can keep it. Just, stop being such a bother," Xemnas says, and waves a hand with a "what do I care?" attitude.

"Alright! Let's take a pic to commemorate the moment! It can be my new cover photo!" Axel exclaims. He is instantly assaulted by thirteen irate Nobodies, and his phone is taken away.

Kairi, Sora, and Riku

Kairi's phone rings, and she pounces on it to answer.

"Hello?" she says, trying to sound calm and not super-excited to be the one receiving a call for once. On the other end, she hears a noise that is half-quack and half-yelp, and Sora's voice shouting "Heal!"

Kairi sighs with disappointment and disconnects the call. It's just Sora butt-dialing her again.

No matter how much time she spends with her phone, Kairi never gets calls from the people she most wants to hear from. She gets plenty of texts from Selphie, and ever since she got breezetalk she gets lots of silly breezes from Tidus and Wakka, but if she wants to hear from Sora and Riku, which she does, then she has to call them herself. Even though when they got phones both of them promised to give daily phone calls.

Kairi knows that it's not their fault really. She knows they're both busy. And she knows they both have problems when it comes to phones.

Sora's problem is that he thinks he's a technology whiz when he's not. He's been especially bad since meeting someone named Tron, and boasts about how great he is with electronics. But he is always butt-dialing people and he will accidentally hang up calls and a text from him usually comes in several segments because he'll send it before he's finished typing. He also keeps trying to use voice recognition, and it just isn't working. His voice recognition texts are so bad Kairi can't tell what he's saying half the time.

As for Riku, his problem is that he's careless. He's already had to replace his phone several times, as he has dropped it and broken the screen, fallen backwards while it was in his back pocket and broken it, forgotten it was in his pocket and gone swimming, thrown it when frustrated and broken it, and basically if he ever manages to keep it intact for more than a week Kairi and Sora have agreed to throw a party. Riku doesn't know it yet, but for Christmas he's getting life-proof phone cases from everyone he knows, and no other presents. Hopefully he'll take the hint.

Kairi just wants to be sure her friends are okay. Every time she calls and they can actually talk and their phones are working, they assure her that of course they're okay, and Sora tells her he'll look out for Riku and Riku tells her he'll take care of Sora, but Kairi finds it hard to have faith in such statements when Sora is a total airhead and Riku can't be trusted to take care of himself. After all, Sora couldn't even figure out she was inside his heart for so long, and Riku thinks that having a candy bar for breakfast is a perfectly fine start to the day. Hasn't Riku ever heard of balanced meals?

Poor Kairi. She wants to use her phone to contact her friends, but her friends just can't be trusted with phones.


End file.
